Many receive advice, only the wise profit from it. -- Publilius Syrus
A doctor and a lawyer were at a cocktail party, when the doctor was approached by a man seeking advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor rattled off some advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, “I never know what to do when I’m asked to dispense medical advice at a social function: Is it acceptable to send a bill?” The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor received an invoice from the lawyer: $200 due for legal consultation.
When G-d commanded Avraham to circumcise himself and his household, Avraham sought the advice of his three friends: Aner, Eshkol and Mamreh. Aner told him that the circumcision would render him vulnerable to attack, and Eshkol warned that the operation itself was life threatening. Mamreh, however, told Avraham to trust G-d (as he had in the past) and perform the circumcision.
Just think about that.
Here was Avraham—the first person of his generation to recognize that there is a G-d—asking three simple folk whether it was a good idea to follow the Creator’s direct, explicit, and unequivocal command. If ever there was a case where advice was unnecessary, this was it. But Avraham nevertheless sought advice to show that he was choosing to follow G-d’s command despite having received some bad advice not to (see Bereishis 18:1 and Gur Aryeh ad loc.). For rendering good (albeit obvious) advice, Mamreh was rewarded by G-d appearing to Avraham at his estate.
The Need to Seek Counsel
Jews are notorious for giving advice—even when unsolicited. Every Jew claims to have “the” answer to the world’s problems. Ask two Jews, get three opinions. Or at least so goes the old quip.
But while giving advice is easy, asking for and following it is not. As William R. Alger once observed, “We give advice by the bucket, but take it by the grain.” Whether we admit it or not, we feel that asking for advice makes us inferior, or that the act of seeking counsel is demeaning. But that’s wrong.
It is important to ask for advice. Indeed, “The more advice, the more understanding” (Avos 2:7). By seeking advice, we open ourselves up to different viewpoints, each of which adds value—even if we end up making our own decision (see R’ Ovadya of Bartenura and Ruach Chaim ad loc.; see also Responsa of Rashba 1:48). Not seeking advice can result in disaster, such as when King Yoshiyahu was punished for not seeking the advice of the prophet Yirmiyahu (Ta’anis 22b).
Even G-d seeks advice. “G-d does not do anything unless He seeks advice from the Heavenly Court” (Sanhedrin 38b), and He specifically sought such advice before creating the world (Tanchuma, Bereishis 1) and before creating mankind (Bereishis 1:26 and Rashi ad loc.; Bereishis Rabba 8:8).
Simply put, one should not refrain from seeking counsel.
The Obligation to Provide (Good) Advice[1]
When solicited, one must be careful to give good advice (Kalla Rabasi 5; Shemos Rabba 27:8; see Sha’arei Teshuva 3:53)—even to an enemy (Pele Yo’etz, “Eitza”).
Giving bad advice, on the other hand, violates the prohibitions of, “Do not wrong one another” (Vayikra 25:17 and Rashi ad loc.) and “Do not put a stumbling block before a blind person” (Vayikra 19:14). The latter is interpreted to mean, “Before one who is blind about a particular matter, do not give advice that is not appropriate for him. Do not say, ‘sell your field and buy yourself a donkey,’ thus manipulating him to your advantage and buying the field from him” (Rashi ad loc.; Toras Kohanim 19:34).
There once was a shochet (ritual slaughterer)—in those days, it was an occupation requiring at least a modicum of fear of G-d—who was espousing ideologies antithetical to the Torah. When R’ Yehoshua Leib Diskin learned of the shochet’s improper beliefs, he directed his students to encourage the shochet to seek R’ Yehoshua Leib’s advice as to whether he ought to find another occupation.
But much to his students’ surprise, when the shochet appeared before R’ Yehoshua Leib, the latter advised him to continue his work as a shochet. R’ Yehoshua Leib later explained the curious advice to his students. “Initially, I wanted to convince this man to find another occupation. But when he appeared before me seeking counsel, I was obligated to provide him with the best advice for him, not me.”
The Three Conditions for Good Advice
In seeking—or dispensing—advice, one should attempt to satisfy three basic[2] conditions (see e.g. Kovetz Ma’amarim, “The Call of Our Generation”).
Condition 1. The advisor must be intelligent and understanding.
While it is not necessary to seek advice from only the old and wise—Avraham certain was wiser than Aner, Eshkol, and Mamreh (see also Pele Yo’etz, “Eitza”)—surely the advice of those older or wiser is of greater value.
It is no coincidence that “fifty is the age for giving advice” (Avos 5:21). If youngsters give one piece of advice, and elders advise to the contrary, “listen to the elders and do not listen to the youngsters” (Nedarim 40a; see also Tana d’Bei Eliyahu Zuta 7). “Advice is not found in youth” (Shabbos 89b). And “those who heed the advice of elders will not stumble” (Shemos Rabba 3:10).
When a newly graduated educator was asked to address the topic of child rearing, she gave a speech entitled, “The Ten Commandments of Parenting.” After her first child was born, she was invited again to speak on child-rearing techniques, and she called this speech, “Ten Suggestions for Parents.” After her second child was born, she again was invited to speak, but this time her speech was called, “Ten Helpful Hints for Parents.” After her third child was born, she stopped giving advice.
Condition 2. The advisor must be free of any and all personal interest in the outcome; if not impartial, otherwise good advice is worthless.
“Be careful of one who advises you according to his way” (Sanhedrin 76b). What is required is the perspective of someone whose biases do not cloud vision, someone who can evaluate choices unburdened by subjectivity (Mishlei 20:18 and Meiri ad loc.). As Hannah Whitall Smith observed, “The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right.”
The sin of “placing a stumbling block before another” is not in the giving false or bad advice; it is because “you manipulate him for your own advantage” (Vayikra 19:14 and Rashi ad loc.). The example of, “Sell your field and buy a donkey,” is instructive. It isn’t necessarily bad advice—a donkey can be more valuable than a field. But because the advisor himself wants the field—that is, there is a personal agenda—it is bad advice. Concealing an ulterior motive necessarily places a stumbling block before those who seek advice (Toras Kohanim 19:14).
Condition 3. The advisor must empathize with the advice-seeker.
Unlike Aner and Eshkol, who failed to put themselves into Avraham’s position, Mamreh projected himself into Avraham’s place and advised him on the basis of Avraham’s frame of reference and experience of Divine protection. He therefore advised Avraham to have the selfsame level of faith and trust in G-d as he had theretofore.
What does it mean to truly care about giving advice? The Steipler Gaon, in the last moments of his life, bemoaned, “I am afraid that perhaps I have given someone bad advice.”
The grandchildren of the third Lubavitcher Rebbe, Zalman Aharon and Sholom Ber, spent many hours playing “Rebbe and Chossid.” When they played, Zalman Aharon, the older son, would sit on a chair and put a hat on his head, acting the part of the Rebbe.[3] Sholom Ber would then enter the “Rebbe’s” room for a private audience.
Once, the “Chossid” confessed, “Rebbe, I’ve done something wrong. Before I was aware of its potential pitfalls,[4] I made a habit of cracking nuts on Shabbos.”
“To atone for this lapse,” advised the “Rebbe,” “henceforth, you must always pray directly from a prayer book.”
When young Sholom Ber’s mother noticed how her little “Chossid” continued to pray from memory, she asked, “Why aren’t you listening to the ‘Rebbe’s’ advice?”
Sholom Ber explained. “I can’t value his advice. When a real Rebbe dispenses advice to his chossid, the Rebbe first pauses for a moment and sighs. Only after demonstrating empathy does he reply.”
This, according to the Vilna Gaon, is the meaning of the verse, “Oil and incense gladden the heart, and the sweetness of a friend from advice for the soul” (Mishlei 27:9 and Vilna Gaon ad loc.). Advice for the soul is only worthwhile if it comes from a friend, i.e., one who can empathize with the plight of the advice seeker, as a friend would. Such counsel is priceless.
When we are in a position to advise others, we must never take the attitude that the problem is minor and easily solved—even if it is. Such advice has no value. It is only when we internalize another’s problem as if it is our own—when we feeling another’s pain so that we are forced to sigh before responding—that advice is real and beneficial.
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With so much confusion in a world offering so many different choices, advice has never been more needed. And while there is no shortage of people offering it—doctors, rabbis, lawyers, social workers, volunteers, friends, neighbors, co-workers—we need to have the wherewithal to seek out that advice, and to seek it from the proper channels and under the right conditions.
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[1] Evildoers are an altogether different situation. One should not offer advice to a wicked person (Daniel was punished for giving advice to Nevuchadnetzar) (Bava Basra 4a), nor should one seek advice from a wicker person (Avraham declined to follow the advice of the Generation of the Dispersion) (Avoda Zara 19a).
[2] Ideally, the advisor should possess “Da’as Torah”—Torah knowledge and understanding. “Advice that is comprised of the word of G-d will last forever” (Yalkut, Iyov 899). Indeed, one of the by-products of Torah learning is that people benefit from its advice (Avos 6:1).
[3] Ironically, Sholom Ber later became the fifth Lubavitcher Rebbe; Zalman Aharon, the older brother, refused to accept a leadership position.
[4] See e.g. Mishna Berura 319:24; Shevet HaLevi 1:81.